"Illegal Immigrants Invade Heaven"
by Bucktowndusty
Technically, isn't the Bible just a series of holy laws regulating human immigration into Heaven and Hell? Break the rules, go to hell; follow them, live eternal, right? Nonetheless, my spiritual sources tell me that illegal immigrants from Hell, called "Helligrants", are invading Heaven anyway.
These evil Helligrants have apparently studied the illegal immigration battles waged on Earth. They've watched religious institutions and leaders condone, with total disregard for U.S. law, illegal immigration into America. They rejoice in knowing that these religious people die and populate Heaven, because it's these religious peoples' belief in the ideals of illegal immigration that justify and facilitate their own demands to leave Hell for a better afterlife in Heaven amongst the flock.
Helligrants, in the millions, have swarmed the Pearly Gates, climbed over them, and are now settled amongst the clouds of those same religious folk. Shocked at seeing so many evil spirits, the flock questions their presence. God, in perfect George W. Bush vernacular, reminds them that illegal immigration was THEIR interpretation of virtue, so they must welcome them, pitchforks, goat-ears, bat-tails, profanity, obscenity, sodomy, and all. The irony is as thick as rain clouds, almost impossible for them to swallow, but God has spoken, so they reluctantly acquiesce.
Why do they come, though? Like illegal immigrants within America, Helligrants come to do the work that nobody in Heaven will do. Heaven has trees, bees, flowers, fruits and fields, all which need tending. But, Heaven can't use labor from Latin America, or China, because former immigrants, as well as the righteous, are now heavenly spirits on eternal vacation! They're pool-side, drinking martinis, so Helligrants must migrate upward to fill the labor void.
Sure, they bring their evil ways, cursing and fornicating while they toil - blurring the distinctions between Heaven and Hell - but that sure is much better than burning in Satan's furnace, and making righteous spirits work up a sweat.
So, considering this new disturbing revelation from my spiritual sources, I vow to fight even harder to stop illegal immigration here on Earth. Concurrently, I vow to lobby for a total rewrite of the Bible to accommodate the lifestyles of evil people, freeing them from discrimination, and affording them expeditious, hassle-free journeys into Heaven.
Satisfying my first vow, the new 10th Commandment will read, "Thall shall not covet thy neighbor's country!"
Do you AGREE or DISAGREE with me? Let me know! |
"Crime Pays"
by A. Hamilton
Where would a citizen start if he or she wanted to help curb the influx of illegal immigration into the United States? This was the question posed to me by a friend following an incredible story he had just told.
My friend works for a company that contracts building construction on the east coast of the United States. His story began somewhere in southern Connecticut in front of a motel where he attempted to register himself and four other employees whom he supervised.
It seems my friend did not go unnoticed when he pulled up the entrance of the motel in his company pickup truck with two very Caucasian, unmistakable American men in the front seat beside him, and two very dark-skinned, unmistakable, Latino men in the rear jump seats. Here, one State Police cruiser pulled in front of him and another stopped in back, blocking him in.
My friend stepped from his truck. "What's wrong officer?"
Police Officer: "We're spot-checking to see if the two men in the back of your truck are legal immigrants."
My Friend: "As far as I know they are legal."
Police Officer: "What do you mean as far as you know? Don't they work for you?"
My Friend: "No sir, they work for the same company as I do."
Police Officer: But you don't know if they are legal?"
My Friend: "Well, they've been with the company for two or three years and I know that they pay taxes because I've seen their income tax returns."
Police Officer: "Then they should have green cards."
The two very dark-skinned, unmistakable Latino men could not produce green cards, and so the police officers made them get out of the pickup where they immediately handcuffed them.
Police Officer: "We're going to have to take these two in and check out their immigration status."
My Friend: "I wish I could be more help, but their papers are probably back at the home office."
Police Officer: That's okay, we'll find out what we want to know."
With this, the two very dark-skinned, unmistakable, Latino men were put in the police cruisers and driven away. My friend, now short of help, thought he had to wait until the next day to call his company to advise them of the situation, however, several hours later one of the police cruisers returned with the two very dark-skinned, unmistakably, Latino men. They advised my friend that, the two men entered this country with visas, but the visas had expired lone ago, making the two of them illegal in this country.
My Friend: "Aren't you going to lock them up?"
Police Officer: "Well, we tried to hand them over to the immigration people but they said they didn't have time to deal with them. The fact is, we don't have time to deal with them either. So, here, you deal with them."
The police cruiser drove off leaving my friend with a full crew again. They worked for two weeks following the incident and returned home. The two very dark-skinned, unmistakable, Latino men drew their usual weekly paychecks, minus FICA, state and federal income taxes, which they are most likely to get back when they file their state and federal income tax returns.
Do you AGREE or DISAGREE with me? Let me know! |
