Don’t Ask, Don’t Tap
by Bucktowndusty
You know what’s annoying?
You can't say, "I feel gay today," because it no longer means happy. Now, it means gay as in, "don't ask, don't tell" gay.
And you can't say, "Don't ask, don't tell" anymore, because it no longer relates to a woman's age. Now, it relates to gays in the military and foot-tapping gays in bathroom stalls.
And you can't say, "he's into foot-tapping" anymore, because it no longer has anything to do with tap dancing. Now, it relates to Senators who fake that they're shitting while thinking to themselves, "I feel gay today."
And you can't shit in a bathroom stall anymore, while listening to music and tapping your feet to the beat, because today's music sucks, and "the distinguished gentleman" in the next stall might think you're happy.
Lastly, if you are a distinguished gentleman, find a better place to pork-barrel.
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The "D" Word - As In Vick
by A. Hamilton
In the beginning, when all living things where small enough to fit through the wires of an electron microscope, there existed a gene I call the, "Kill Gene." The Kill Gene was fundamental for the survival of our accessorial cavemen.
Long before the Paleolithic period these early men boldly stood upright, only to discover that when they pissed it splashed all over their feet and legs, an apparent aphrodisiac to early cave ladies and a territorial marking initiative for a variety of dogs that squatted at their sides.
Today, although misguided, mankind and dog alike still have the kill gene, but none have the kill gene so close to the surface of their skin as the bread of dog called the Pit Bull.
Pit Bulls kill indiscriminately. They kill woman, babies, their handlers and are especially fond of killing each other. Pit Bulls are clearly nasty little bastards with an out-of-control kill gene.
So why is it so bad for Michael Vick to help these little psychos do what they were bread to do? After all, their first name, according to the ASPC is, "Pit," and that isn’t short for, Pittsburg.
Here's one applicable definition of, "pit," from Encarta World English Dictionary. That is; "Sports arena for fighting: an arena that is cordoned off for bouts of fighting, especially illegal fighting between cocks or dogs."
Actually, Vick is doing for Pit Bulls what Clerics do for extremist Muslims. He is coaching them to kill each other so they can get on fast track to doggie heaven and into the awaiting thighs of numerous Chihuahua virgins.
Animal rights groups accuse Vick of executing dogs, but that's not the degrading factor. The degrading factor is the choice of the word, "Dog," as used by these groups.
Dog, which is not a very nice word in and of itself, could be offensive to the animal, although it might be hard to offend an animal that licks his own balls in public. (Encarta World English Dictionary: something useless or inferior: something useless or of a very poor standard. And: offensive term: an offensive term that deliberately insults somebody's looks.) To prove how offensive the word dog is, think about these scenarios.
If Don Imus would have called the lady basketball team a bunch of nappy headed dogs, he would have been in deeper poo then he got into for calling them Hos. So let's not use the offensive word dog, instead say the, "D" word. Rather, say K9.
Again, a bunch of nappy headed rats would have been equally as bad. So let's not use the offensive word rat, instead say the, "R" word. Rather, say Rodent.
How about skunk? No, no skunk, instead say the "S" word. Rather, say Mephitidae.
Or pigs? Not that either. No pig, instead say the "P" word. Rather, say Ungulate.
And what of the name Michael Vick? No, that's also offensive, instead say the "V" word. Rather, all of the alphabetic words above.
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