Republican Bake Sale - 40% Off
by Bucktowndusty
With real estate it's "location, location, location."
With conservatism it's "immigration, immigration, immigration."
The Republican National Committee found this out recently when their donations dropped 40% due to conservative doners refusing to support a party hellbent on amnesty. In order to get their coffers back on par, the grand old party that was always accused of supporting bombers over school lunches may in fact have to resort to the same bake sales their Democratic detractors professed to have needed. Allow me to propose sevaral products and accompanying sales pitches to use in their next bake-off.
- Secure-The-Border-With-A-Fence Browneys
Sales from these browneys go towards buying border fence similar to the 2,700 miles (that's 600 miles longer than the Mexico/United States border by the way) of sound barrier fencing that is already up and functioning along the highways of America.
- Deport-All-Aliens Fudge
Sales from this fudge will go towards a publicity campaign aimed at destroying the myth that America can't handle processing 20-million deportations. Our prision system currently handles over 2 million prisoners, our school system currently buses and houses over 50 million students, and our tax collection system handles over 70-million tax returns. We've flown men to the moon, and cracked the atomic code. The only thing America currently can't do is instill a belief in its politicians that the sky is the limit and anything can be done with will power.
- Nationalism-Over-Free-Trade Cookies
China is currently kicking our ass because they have 300-million underclass people willing to work for less than a dollar per hour. They do so with a sense that they're sacrificing for the betterment of their nation. American politicians are trying to replicate this underclass here in America. However, trying to import that many Latin Americans just to compete with China is suicidal, considering most Latinos are proud Latinos and will never accept nationalism of the United States flavor. Such items as remittances to home countries and massive immigration protests prove this. The immigration issue is very simple when you think nation first.
These products will sell much better than the fodder the RNC is trying to push over on its faithful.
Whatever you try next RNC, just remember this; Don't shit down our necks and call it a comprensive-browney. We're not biting.
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Comprehensive Stew
by A. Hamilton
I hate to hear officials use the word, “comprehensive,” when referring to immigration reform. To me it provokes the notion that they all mix up their previous night leftovers and expect the public to eat it.
First, I can’t understand why immigration reform even has to be, “comprehensive,” or for that matter needed at all. All we ask of these bastards on Capitol Hill is to secure our borders, but they have to give us “comprehensive,” immigration reform with a teaser, in that, border security will be the trigger for the rest of the, “comprehensive,” package (amnesty) to go into effect.
So here are the main three fixes for border security that will trigger, “comprehensive,“ amnesty.
- More border patrol agents.
- A fence.
- High tech surveillance.
First, there can’t be a higher concentration of border patrol agents than there are at the main border crossover plazas. Here’s a picture of a “Bonzai run” at one of the strictly enforced crossover plazas.
Second, a fence may keep rabbits from migrating but it won’t stop the climbing species of Medicaid seekers.
Third, we already have high tech surveillance, but as of yet it hasn’t handcuffed or even stopped anyone.
Frankly, I just want a secure border and as for the millions of illegal immigrants already here - do nothing, “comprehensively.” That way, at least I’ll have the satisfaction of calling them illegal.
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