Dear Jesus, Make Santa Kill For Me
by Bucktowndusty
I’m just kidding, Lord. I don’t really want you to get Santa to kill for me. After all, tomorrow we celebrate your birthday, and this is the season of giving not taking. And, contrary to popular opinion, Santa has nothing to do with you and your birthday, so I’ll try not to confuse you with him. I would however like to explain my request and see if you can help.
Today, I woke up, got in my car to go gift shopping, and saw this on my street:
What type of self centered, low-down, rotten, uncaring, law-breaking asshole would litter like this, Lord? Obviously, this prick knows he’s doing something illegal, disgusting, and down right vile, but he does it anyway. Why is this, Lord?
Can’t you have Santa come down this person’s chimney and take a shit on his new couch for me? Sorry, there I go again confusing you with Santa and being nasty once more. I mean, can’t you enlighten the essence of this man, transform his soul, and make him realize that what he did was wrong? I pray you can at least use your powers to make this guy read my article and realize what people think of him.
It get’s better, Lord. When I got to the store, I saw this:
Lord, is the person who parked like this the same prick ( I mean person) who littered on my street? Do people that park this way really believe they are that important and deserve 4-times the parking space as ordinary humans? Don’t they realize that they are not driving Lamborghini’s or Bentley’s, but rather $18,000 4-cylinders? Really, Lord, are they so scared of getting scratches on their cars that they would inconvenience the rest of us so?
Could you have Santa drop a couch on this vehicle when he flies overhead? Sorry, Lord. I’m transposing again. I pray you can at least use your powers to make this person read my article and realize what people think of him.
Regardless, have a great birthday, Lord. I’ll still love you, even if you don’t wear a red suit or do what I ask.
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Stay Tuned
by A. Hamilton
As a kid, I remember the old serial movies where “X Man” (the hero by any other name) was just about to be crushed by a mine cave-in, drowned in quicksand, shot up by a thousand Indians or fall asleep at the controls of a space ship when suddenly, the motion on the screen would stop and a voice hysterically herald, “Will X Man be crushed/drowned/shot/crash, or will he be miraculously saved? Find out in the next episode when X Man faces the fire of death.” Even as kids we knew that this was just a way of milking us for another dime.
Well times haven’t change much since then. The media and big business are still trying to milk us with the old, “Stay tuned,” routine.
In keeping sync, the unsinkable “Titanic,” sunk in the North Atlantic on April 15, 1912 and wasn’t found again until 1985. The United States eventually decreed that the wreck site should remain a burial ground, but the French held that the site was in international waters and went against U.S. rule, salvaging two safes from the Titanic’s purser office.
The French knew (with a sneak preview) that there was nothing of value in the safes, so they, in cahoots with the media, devised a “Stay tuned,” scheme to view, at a future date, the first opening of the safes to a worldwide audience, thereby milking millions for more dimes
In yet another serial, “The saga of Miss U.S.A. 2006,” the winner, Tara Conner, who paraded around the stage wearing nothing but two Band-Aids and a cork in the bikini competition of the pageant, was chastised for partying one evening in a New York City bar by Egorian Donald Trump, the all knowing, all powerful, righteous savior from the distant planet Ego - this set the stage for a “Stay tuned.” “Will forlorn Tara be crushed/drowned/shot/crash or will she be miraculously saved by the Egorian Donald Trump?” Days later, millions were milked more dimes as the Don in his best, “Father knows best,” impression forgave a jubilantly sobbing Tara.
But the worst of the “Stay tuned,” milkers was this week when three mountain climbers disappeared in a blinding snow storm on Mt. Hood in Oregon. I’m just guessing, but it seems to me that someone in the rescue team would have had a camera to document the rescue mission. However, when they found Kelly James frozen to death in a snow cave they said that they could not identify the body or transmit any information to the authorities below until the next day when they would bring the body down from the mountain.
Think about it; the Park Rangers, state and local police, the National Guard and volunteers had helicopters, C130 aircraft with inferred heat-sensing, night vision capability, satellite communications and any high-tech device needed for a rescue mission, yet no one on the rescue team had as much as a pocket size digital camera at the time of the gruesome discovery. Instead, we had to, “Stay tuned.”
BUT WAIT!!
From the television show, “The View,” Rosie O’Donnell lambasted Donald Trump for giving Miss U.S.A, Tara Conner, a second chance. Mr. Trump responded on Fox Cable News by giving Rosie a verbal one-two punch in her oversized face. For this, the Don is my hero, but will he be crushed/drowned/shot/crashed by the pungent mouth of Rosie or will he be miraculously saved by “X Man?”
STAY TUNED.
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