"Abra Comprehensive Kadabra"
by Bucktowndusty
“Swallow this pile of shit,” demands President Bush of a law-abiding American citizen.
“But, Mr. President, it’s a pile of shit.”
Bush counters, “No, it’s not. It’s actually a ‘comprehensive’ biodegradable accumulation of organic fecal compost.”
“Comprehensive,” replies the citizen as he grabs the pile, “Well, why didn’t you say so in the first place. Mmmm, you’re right Mr. President. This is some tasty comprehensive.”
So sums up President Bush’s latest fanciful immigration proposal, and his bastardization of yet another word in the English language. His schemes to ram massive immigration down America’s throat and transform the harmless adjective “comprehensive” into a noun – a magical noun with mystical powers of misdirection and deception - represents nothing less that a shameful “comprehensive” act of treason.
And otherwise intelligent pundits and senators run with this “C” word, too. Proposals like Mr. Bush’s latest immigration treachery are transparently flawed, even to a 3rd-Grader taking social studies. Yet, respected intellectuals parrot the word like, well, parrots, somehow believing that the magic of Bush’s new word will convert what they know to be a worthless pile of dung into a more appealing pile of legislation.
For sure, I can no longer hear the word “comprehensive” without experiences the gag reflex. It’s a ruined word like xenophobe, racist, vigilante, and nuclear. But, make no mistake; it’s also a word that President Bush and his allies wish to use as a deceitful tool to rewrite history and change the course of America. Historians will ask Bush on his death bed, “Some claim you transformed America into a third world slum with your immigration proposals.” Bush will reply, “Yes, but I did it comprehensively.”
The C-word has become a joke, and anyone utilizing it in serious debate is either a fool or a pawn, or both.
In the not-so-distant future, I think I shall become a history teacher with Bush’s wordsmith abilities and propensities to mislead. I will pass out handouts to the students of my AMEXICA History 101 class with famous historical quotes, altered as follows:
- “Read my lips, no new comprehensives.”
- “I did not have comprehensive relations with that woman, Monica Lewinski.”
- “Ask not what your comprehensive can do for you, but what you can do for your comprehensive.”
- “Two wrongs don’t make a comprehensive.”
- “A2 + B2 = Comprehensive”
- “Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s comprehensive.”
- “Si, Su Comprehensively Puede”
- “We didn’t cross the comprehensive, the comprehensive crossed us.”
Class dismissed.
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"Roundup – Schmoundup"
by A. Hamilton
Lefties, the solution-less liberals, like to pose the illegal immigration quandary into the category of impossibility by stupidly asking the mind numbing questions, “What do we do, roundup and deport all eleven million illegal immigrants? And if so, do we deport their American citizen children as well?”
On the other hand, frightened compassionate conservatives propose a work program with an easy path to citizenship by following new guidelines consisting of overrides and supplements to existing laws.
To qualify as an applicant on this customized path to citizenship, illegal immigrants must fall into one of several combinations of categories such as:
- If they have been here two years and have no proof of residence other than urinating on the walls of day labor shelters, then they must volunteer to return to their country of origin and go to the back of the line.
- If they have been here two years and can show proof of employment with pay studs showing tax deductions, then they and their anchor babies can remain here until the particular job is terminated, at which time they must return to the back of the line.
- If they and their anchor babies have been here five years, they can stay here, pay a fine equal to what they paid the coyotes to get here in the first place and then they can break in line somewhere near the eight year mark.
- Without anchor babies, same as above but add more to the fine.
- If they and their anchor babies have been here ten years or more, they can stay here and be eligible for retribution.
The ridiculous variations of proposals go on and on followed by a, “Good question.” If we can’t round up and deport all eleven million illegal immigrants, then how in the hell are we going to round up and document them? And, if we created the tremendously expensive bureaucracy to document all eleven million and their anchor babies, can you imagine how honest the answers would be to the question, “How long have you been here?”
Illegal immigrants have been here for the past twenty years and they have not been rioting or beating down the doors of the INS to earn citizenship, so, at this point, why bother? The most simplistic, inexpensive solution is just to close the border and let the ones that are here stay here as illegal immigrants, even for the next ten million years. Who cares? At least we can have the satisfaction of knowing that our borders are secure and that we did not reward them for breaking the law.
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